Saying No to Children

Saying NO to Children

In The Name Of Allah

In my practice, I see a lot of parents who don’t want to say no to their children. They’re afraid that if they do, their child is going to hate them. If both parents work outside the home, the problem is compounded. They say yes to whatever their kids want because they’re so eager for their time with them to be pleasant.

That’s understandable, and we all want happy, stress-free time with our kids. The problem, though, is that if we say yes too often, our kids won’t learn how to tolerate not getting what they want. And if they grow up this way, they will have trouble hearing no from anyone—whether from a college admissions office or a boss. They won’t be able to deal with a negative response because they haven’t learned how to exercise that muscle.

What I always say to these parents is that if you’re doing your job well, your kids will not always like you. In fact, if they like you all the time, they’re missing something. They need practice feeling angry and frustrated and coping with it. And the best person to practice with is you. If you’re always making them happy, you’re not teaching them that skill. Rather than being afraid of that, I encourage you to embrace it.

And this should start when kids are very young—ages 1 or 2. When you say no to your kids at that age, you’re teaching them the skill of self-soothing. You are teaching them self-control.

In the bigger picture, you’re investing in the future of your relationship. As your kids get better at hearing no from you, your time will be more pleasant. They won’t have temper tantrums because you will have taught them how to hear it. But if you never teach them that skill, the arguments will continue.

Remember that when you say no you’re teaching three important skills: tolerating not getting what you want, respecting another person’s view, and managing your feelings. My suggestions for saying no in a meaningful way:

PICK YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY.

You have to be clear in your own mind which things are important to you. If you feel strongly (as most parents do) that your kids should not be able to hurt someone else, you will need to say no even if they’re enjoying what they’re doing—like screaming in a restaurant. If they’re doing something that is compromising someone else’s enjoyment, whether physically or emotionally, you will say no to your child.

GIVE A REASON.

It’s always beneficial when you help kids understand why you’re saying no. If your son is kicking the seat in front of him on an airplane, for example, you could simply tell him, “Stop doing that.” But it would be more helpful to say, “The man who is sitting in that seat can feel you kicking him through the seat. You need to stop.” Especially for younger children who may not understand the problem, it’s important to be patient enough to explain it to them.

STAY CALM.

Don’t scream. Don’t yell. Keep your voice steady. You want to demonstrate that you are in control.

FOLLOW THROUGH.

“No” needs to have a real consequence. If you ask your child to turn off the TV in five minutes and he doesn’t, you need to turn the TV off. You can’t keep bargaining and threatening or the behavior will never change. You have to set a limit, act on it, and be consistent about it.

When saying no, what matters most is that you’re clear about what’s important to you and clear about enforcing it—every time. And if you do this, you’ll be teaching your kids a life skill that will last forever


Source:
sister2sisterfillah.wordpress.com/2015/03/29/saying-no-to-children/